You never stop learning....

Trying my best to be a good mentor, and at the final leg of this small project....

What else can go wrong?

Old Klang Taste + Moving on

 

I ironically left out the traditional type of fishcake commonly used in Korea which is thin and rectangular shaped although that was the inspiration to looking up the recipe for it.

Discovering that what I had made has the same salty, sweet and consistency of the fishball sauce I remember from primary school days was a pleasant surprise.

Those days of recess time where the fishballs deep fried in wantan skins and that big pot of sweet brown sauce to dip them in was just so divine. 

I would eat that every day if the fishballs wasn't sold out. Back then it was only about 20 cents each! 

 

~

God have heard me. 

 

November 15th I will officially go back to my old team. 

 

The mind games that went on for a few weeks after I applied for the position was emotionally exhausting. I'm thankful I have managed to stay firm with my answers and reasons. 

It is now over and I have signed the offer letter. 

 

I find comfort in the redemption story that has unfold this last year.

Ex boss had promised that if it was possible, he would have me back. 

And that have come to pass, 1 year and 3 months later. 

I have not wanted anything as much as this for a while now.

Which made it harder to surrender to God.

It was tough trying to keep the faith, believing His will for me and my desire to go will be the same.

Especially when the thoughts that my boss would also be praying to the same God persisted to make me feel smaller and unloved.

 

But God loves not one above the other. That is a truth no matter what happens. 

It is still the truth to hold on to even if anyone deny me of things because of this choice that I have made. 

 

There will be consequences, I am sure.

But knowing that God has won this battle for me makes me bolder and ready to stand firm for what I want and what I believe in.

This torment isn't forever

 The purity, essence and integrity of what it means to be a developer,
brittling into pieces when the line is blurred,
with giving in and submitting to doing the work of an Ops.
Why have we been reduced to this disgrace?
Why this despicable state?

Tell me O Lord, what wisdom have been imparted to have come to this?
Give me the same wisdom and understanding that I may know it is certainly from You,
and not from the vices of men in their perpetuous selfish nature.
Help me O Lord, to see Your will in this.
Help me know You are near.

How are you?

3 weeks ago - There was the layoff; where ShawnB and Wally in US was affected.
2 weeks ago - I was introduced to my new boss.
Thursday - Renovation started on the house behind and there was a lot of drilling and hammering.
Friday - HR announced my workstation has become a public first come first serve seating...

I also did not get the promotion I mentioned in the blog some months ago but that is like the least of things I feel about right now.

I'm thankful that I still have a job.
I'm thankful my new boss is a flexible guy who doesn't micro manage.
I'm thankful the other zone is too crowded and I got to keep my workstation instead of moving over.

Yet I'm exhausted at being both on the new team and old team. 
I'm annoyed at the slightest ringing of the house phone on top of all that noise from the house behind.
I'm irritated at repeated long conversations of how once you have forgotten your bank password you need to go to the bank to get the teller to reset for you.

I just want to stay in bed and alternate between sleeping and crying like I been doing since Friday night.
But there's still work to be done and routine grocery shopping that I need to do.
So I got up.

~
I don't know where I would be if my Sunday classes weren't keeping me accountable with cramming the Bible before classes.
I don't know where I would be without Getty Music or Stephen Gately.
And I don't know where I am with God when I feel so many things right now and yet don't feel Him.
But He better be listening to my prayers for Vi and all the others.
For even when I am not feeling it, I still hold the irrational thought and faith that there's absolutely no reason for others to not be blessed, to not have 'Yes' to their prayers and needs.
And I hope the same God who I pray to for others can see all of this.
I hope it can only get better from here.

Even when I can't see the end of this yet.

It's me.

The day after the decision was made and I was told, the silence was deafening.
The sense of people letting you go was overwhelming and still is right now.

The flood of thoughts jumbled up as I panic in talking to others... And it was hard to keep afloat, one thing at a time.

"You did good.
You spoke up all the concerns you have.
You gave timely update on what's happening on your end.
And you provided excellent support.
You are going to do well in the other division."

I don't think this letting go is any easier for him either.
But I wished he would still say something.

~
I'm going to miss this line the most.
"Control your emotions."
Because no one else has ever say it as calmly and softly as he does.
Because in his tone, it is with the intent that it's for your own well being as well, rather than just for the sake of controlling the situation.
It doesn't feel like I am harshly forced to snap out of it when he says it.
It doesn't feel like I'm an embarrassment or a shame when he says it.

~~
I have had a good boss that fought for me and fought alongside me.
I always thought of him as a best friend, a comrade in hands.
We both came in the same year and we have worked so well together.
We even went up to stage for our service award at the same time.
His generosity in Christmas gifts to everyone each year or food souvenirs from whenever he traveled was like no other bosses I have seen around.

~~~
I'm going to miss seeing his jeans fall off his waist when he sits, giving the side view just that little indecent show of skin.
I'm going to miss watching him nod off after lunch.
The things he would relentlessly tease when in friend mode, loving that my reaction would be pouty or huge in that moment but never to the extent of causing a grudge.
The daily little small things that brings on my amused giggles, titters and silly smirks.

~~~~
I lovingly said to my closer circle of colleagues;
It feels like I'm getting married off to another family.

And it sad knowing they won't be around me anymore, but at the same time we will still see each other during lunch time.

The truth is it feels like I'm losing my family.
These people I have been with for the last 12 years though some much later... are my work family.
Despite all the squabbles and quirks, they are my work family.

~~~~~
I know I won't feel this way for long.
And I know it's okay.
Just taking one for the team now.

It is OK

'United we stand, divided we fall'

Sleepless nights this week.
One of us have to go to division.
And either way there is sadness all around.

Today may be the biggest life changing event ever.
And maybe it is time to let go of lofty dreams.
And there is no peace to find in that flow of thought.
With all the love I have for SI...

Yet.....
This is a self reminder to myself:

Whatever I feel, all the emotions coming out of me..... It is OK to feel.
I wouldn't be me without feelings so strong and intense.
And after all the tears and pain, at the very bottom of this endless looking well right now.....
It will be OK.

It will be OK because God is still watching over you.
Because this is a situation that tests your faith and not the emotions.
God in all His power and authority is in charge.

Promotion

I don't deserve it.

To God be all the glory and praise! 

I'm so thankful because it was so unexpected. 

Because I was at home, having soup past lunch hour instead of being in the office. 

Because I'm having a tough time at work and feels like I need to run away. 

Because this self been struggling to feel again her passion and love for work ever since the surgery. 

~

No one tells you that being under sedation would leave you knowingly not yourself anymore once it's over. 

That you would forget things you would have never forgotten before it happened. 

That the way you feel things would be different after. 

That things you were so sure of, you would now be in so much doubt of. 

So thank you, dear boss! For believing in me. 

Thank you for this borrowed confidence that I am trying so hard to be again. 

Thank You, God! 

For making this happen at this precise moment I am struggling in.

Because no one else knows me and love me like You do. 

You have great logic!

'I'm surprised that you're surprised.'

Lambie my dear IT Tech Lead,

Thank you.
To see these words of compliments, was like droplets of rain on desert land.

It's just what I needed in this season.

Chihuahua 3

Two major things on this trip.

One. 

I'm thankful for Lukasz.

This guy who sat two seats away on the plane from Amsterdam to Mexico.

Who I overheard was going to Chihuahua for a week as well from the very chatty conversation he was having with the person next to me.

Who I was both surprised and awkward about when we bump into each other at the hotel I was staying in.

Who on the last morning I decided to say hi again and agreed we were both on the same flights out to Amsterdam.

Who I waited at the local terminal at Mexico, so I wouldn't have to go through finding the Aerotrain and our gate by myself.

Who was calm asking about and going to the check in counters to see where our gate was.

Of course, I didn't want to go through all that alone because when I arrived at Mexico Airport, there was this porter that duped me into thinking he was part of the airport staff.

But in actual fact this porter wanted tips for his 'helpfulness'.

The porter then left me lost walking up and down this walkway looking for the way to the Aerotrain after I told him I didn't have more than a US dollar for him.

Fun stuff.

Two.

I drank and got drunk. 

And I knew I was drunk because I was so sleepy all of a sudden.

I'm still wrapping my head around the fact that I had two mojitos, one margarita, one kahlua (or something like that) and one tequila shot in the span of one week!

And three of those was in the same night.

It was an adventure doing the whole lick salt, drink the tequila shot, and bite the lime routine.

I don't know what to feel. 

I'm glad I had this experience.

Although I'm gladder to be home and in my comfort zone, it was a good exposure to people and culture.

And to have been there to understand all that goes on in the production of a product.

It was eye-opening.

If only it wasn't so detrimental to my liver or my conscience about drinking numbing out the Holy Spirit.

I'm also thankful for the colleague that flew in from the US.

Was lovely to be reminded that he was there on my first ever customer project as an Ops, 

and now he was there on my first ever business trip as a Dev.

And it comforted me when he mentions about teaching Jesus to his Sunday School girls.

Because most of all He was with me.

Even on the days I could barely say a prayer.

There just were things to be thankful for.

Chihuahua

It's tough being here.
Tough seeing everyone having lunch while you can't because you have to find a solution while the customer is waiting.
Tough having nosebleeds so constantly.
Tough not having any choices for lunch.

But maybe I am looking for stars where it is cloudy.

There are genuinely kind people here who gets you double portion of carrot cake.
There's huge beds to jump on.
There's American food here for dinner.


The street lamps on the hilly areas are just as pretty.

And it has rained two days in a row, a rarity in a desert area where rain only falls 10 days a year.

That reset moment

This is why I love my job.
In all ten years, this is the first time we see that the system running number has to be reset.
It makes my heart glow to be a part of this.

Thankful...

For the good boss that always does his best to help me. Even to the point of missing a dental appointment while having a toothache.

For the 2nd Agricola game where I did not fall last place. Though I sadly slaughtered a few boars to survive.

For the map that returned into my hands.
And how to conquer the new demands on it, I found piling up messy lines on top of messy lines work.

For the constant knowledge that He is behind every single aspect of my life. And how I am truly loved and cared for.

The Break up

Dear map,

I'm sorry.
I don't want to give you up, but it seems like my time is up.
You are everything I thought was going to be easier.
But turns out you are so much more than that.
At the end of the day, I couldn't understand you in time for your launch.

Please know that this farewell is breaking my heart.
I don't know how to move on the next map.
Even now when I know I just have to, it is hard.

You are better off in another developer's hands.
One that has more experience in dealing with your type
May you shine brighter in those hands.

Goodbye.

Wait a minute...

You are waiting and scrutinising for your boss to grin.
The grin that will indicate he is joking.
But he doesn't. He is dead serious.

And inside you have a OMG moment.

You remember how you used to dream about travelling for work and now it's going to be a reality.
But yet at the same time, there's a concert you really really want to attend in that same month. Something you have also longed for.
So you're torn wondering if you should get tickets and not worry about the timing of everything.

Because this feels like a clear moment of God challenging you to trust His plans and timing for you.

Team lunches

I'm thankful that somehow they are always held on days where it is toughest for me and so desperately in need of a short break.

Fulfilling dreams

Dear self,

Today is the day you realise your dream is going to be complete with the building of this first train.
Not a train from scratch but still quite an extensive bit of coding done there.

Maps and trains.
You have journeyed far, by His grace and favor upon you.

And it's also with this reminder, that you realise you need to surrender this new dream to Him too.
Practice hard but don't hold this dream so closely that you forget whose really in charge.
Trust His timing for you.
He is faithful.

Tear infused work.

Some days some 100 lines of writing extended rules are beautiful.
Even when they are done with tears flooding down.
And on 5 hours sleep with nightmares to boot.

But for how long do I go on with this constant tears?
This constant dread of not catching up with my colleagues?
This thorn sitting on my side that distract me from my work every day, in order that she get hers done?
Is this really love? Is this really the dream job?

I don't know any more.

The God showing up week.

I'm thankful He did.

Last Wednesday I told Hair I wanted to use the music room after work. The plan was to leave office at 4.30pm sharp and arrive at 5.30pm, giving me 2 hours of happiness before dinner and prayer meeting.
At 4.20pm, my boss (who has left the office early), called and asked me to make a map change and make an emergency promotion to production. T.T
I was so mad my plans was going down the drain, but at the same time there was this small voice convincing me to stay calm and that this was a work opportunity, a chance to show my boss I can do small things like that well.

While I am trying to figure out my solution and testing, Hair messages that he has forgotten to leave the key with the guard and its in the office. Super =.= at that point, because I would need to see if anyone is still around in the office to let me in. On top of already being late because of my work.
But though my emotions was running astray, I just replied him that I will see how it goes later on since I was going to be late.

So turns out the work my boss wants me to do, couldn't go as planned.
After a few back and forth calls, he lets me off the hook and I left the office.
At that point it didn't matter what time I arrived, I was just intent on hoping there will still be someone left in the office.
Driving in the jam, I thought; if this is about Him then it will happen as He wills it.
Otherwise I will just read in the church car park.

I arrived close to 6.30pm. As I walk up to the lobby entrance, to my relief two or three pastors were coming out.
So I spoke to the one I was familiar with that I needed to get into the office and get that key.
He escort me in and as we were going up the stairs, senior pastors were coming down.
And he tells me that I am so fortunate, a few minutes later and there would have been no one at all in the office. My heart pretty much leap with joy at that point.
We go in to the office, but Hair's table is such a mess and I couldn't see the key from the dim lighting (since the place was closed).
Pastor helps me look for it and find it.
We go back outside and actually all the pastors that I have seen were waiting to go for dinner together. Hehehe.

So I ended up having the music room to myself.
Was heavy hearted to leave when it was time.
Yet so happy that God had made it all happened. \(^.^)/

The thing was, I was still a bit unhappy with my boss, doing a stunt like that.
And it stayed with me the whole Thursday.
It wasn't until I opened up my angpow on Friday morning (which he had given on Tuesday), that my heart softened down. It was a shock to see the big amount of money he gave.
The money reminds me that God is a provider, but more than that He also knows it is these little things that makes my heart happy and not stay mad at people.

My boss may be a hard task master that boasts a lot, which I don't like.
But he is generous with things and in sharing his knowledge.
It is the balance that sometimes I feel God really wants to show me,
especially when I'm struggling to adjust to his antics and do my work well.

There was also that whole thing of referring to me as a part time developer, when he meant if there is minor mapping stuff refer to me, that's been a joke in the office this week.
It stings a little that he referred to me that way.
Like, what's the point of changing title (at his urging) if he's going to be this way.
It's taking me sometime to convince myself the title doesn't matter.
That what matters is I am a child of God. And it is His favor that I have and will want for nothing else.

Maps are like Rubix cubes...

"An hour."

6 hours later, I am still struggling.
I need help. It's been a long day.

Yet it is still my dream.
These dev days...

Ready...

A constant tension makes beautiful music.

This quote has been on my mind for a couple of days now.
And I think I understand it, or at least I hope I do.

I don't quite know what to feel.
Today at work I signed the paper.
The paper that gives me a slight increment (which funny enough matches the amount of money I spent on the Koi water brush pens) and the 'dream job' title.
The one that doubles my responsibilities and keep me on with my boss as he is.

And then tomorrow is going to be the meetup.
Fingers are a little sore from last minute practices.
On the surface level, I'm a little excited, a little amused at how Hair stumbled about with arranging a meetup and a little anxious to just get it over with.

My heart is ready.

I don't know when exactly I reached this point of no longer asking what if it hurts again.
That the only way to move on is to literally be involved with a new bunch of people.

I think some people would be proud of me, if I just pick up the phone and give them a call.
But I haven't been keeping in touch and I don't quite know what to say except that I'm ready again.
It has taken me awhile to get here but at least I'm late rather than never.

I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future.
And maybe He has been removing that fear, healing that hurt.
Because whatever it is that is not making me dwell too emotionally into all this, I am so grateful for right now.
Somehow that's enough for me right now.