A-Z Zen gardens

Rocks and sands.
Beauty in vast emptiness.
Timeless and peaceful.

Sweeping motions.
Swirls and straight lines.
Depicting water in a dry space.

Waves of sands.

Raking of ebbing stress.

Calming in the motions.

A-Z Yarns

Made in every color under the sun.
They bring a smile to my face.
Thick ones and thin ones.
There's a use for them all.

For sewing, knitting,
crocheting and tassels.
Or simply to tie things up.
There's variety for creativity.

Heartaches

This is the dream I've been wanting.
For that I am thankful.
And I know I shouldn't feel left behind.
Yet the price to pay feels like its too high.
All that I've known and learnt this last seven years?
The very people that I spent most of my waking hours with?
Was splitting us up the only way?

Help me to see the blessing and opportunity this is.
Help me to focus on You on these unsteady waters.
Help me to know that I am not alone in this.


T.T

A-Z Xanthous

Let Your glory fall in this room.

Let it go forth from here to the nations.

Let your fragrance rest in this place.

As we gather to seek your face.

And the world will be xanthous,

Touched by His glory,

For the Creator will be known to all.

A-Z Worries

The list is endless.

About things.

About people.

About animals.

About the world.

About the economy.

About the future.

About dying.

About love.

About me.

So stop!

Be happy!

Be mighty!

Be carefree!

Be adventurous!

Be clueless!

Be simple!

Be good!

Wordy post

I didn't expect that I would be sad upon hearing good live music tonight.
That my heart would be so sorrowful.
And to realise the feeling wasn't associated with the ones who have left.
Or that I missed playing.
But for the beauty, cohesiveness and skills displayed.

The thing that had somehow surprised me most is that, even in bad worship you can sense the presence.
If you are willing to let Him flow in you, and not be focused on nitpicking at the musicians or singers up there.

And it is weird really, to see excellence in the world out there yet sense his presence in bad worship.
To own the sensitivity to both seems like a curse at times like these.
When I am struggling with where I am right now.

Big Bro told me the presence during worship have moved on to HRC.
And that you no longer see good worship in this northern region.
I know he wasn't trying to boast, but looking at it from a point of desiring excellence in the worship ministry.
But I wonder, to what ends do we strive for excellence?
When all our hard work on earth will one day cease to be.

They want me to play again.
That the seed planted so long ago would not be dead.
It's so hard to tell such loved ones you don't want to.
And there never seemed a proper time to tell them the whole truth I left behind.
Also another supporting thought unfortunately popped up for that topic today;
If one who is strong is turned into puddles once every quarter by big bad things in ministry, what will become of me who cries even just at the movies?

To be completely honest, a different seed has actually been sown.
And its a small tiny one, that perhaps people had forgotten.
But I can't see the point of sharing the knowledge that it has grown (just abit),
if it will just leads to further demands, further expectations.
And the whole cycle of disappointments that goes with that.
So I share the knowledge to people who are clueless.
Who I trust hopefully would not hurt me.

A-Z Vanity

According to King Solomon,
all the things we strive for in life on earth is vanity.

Whether is striving in work for promotions,
eating exquisite food,
making wealth,
pursuing happiness,
gaining properties and expensive possessions.

All of it, our own superficial thinking,
that we could gain something,
by being or doing something better.
That the pleasure or satisfaction would matter.

Yet there will always be something new,
better technologies,
new models,
and we'd be like the dog chasing its own tail,
never really achieving anything.

At the end of the day,
at the end of living this life,
when we die we will all be alike,
not bringing any money or possessions with us,
buried six feet deep in the ground.

All that we have earned in life,
Would then be someone else's,
And they too would fall,
Into the same cycle of vanity.

A-Z Unfailing love

In the midst of everything, 

He draws me closer.

Tuesday cell was prompting about making decisions to be more focused on Him.
And I've been failing to take action of my decisions.
So overwhelmed. So tired.

Yet He doesn't fail.
He understands.
His love is enough.

A-Z Time

A baby soon due.
Another US trip coming.
Service within a month's time.
Signups for classes by June.

There are books to read and statements to tally.
Journals to write and songs to play.
A-Z to finish on time and floors to clean.
Things to organize and nail polishes to paint.

Time, could you please slow down so I can pray and decide what to do?
I know I cannot escape from you.
But please just slow down for a bit.
Just until I can find the peace.

A-Z Silence

Silence is golden.
In the library, that is the rule.
In a place where wisdom and knowledge is, it is important.
Even the Bible says that being silence is better than being an outspoken fool.
It is better to be a listener than one who talks and boasts.

Yet silence is also the best revenge.
When reactions matter to people.
I've been one who been at the giving end.
And also been on the receiving end.
And silence can drive you mad.

A-Z Romance

When is he going to make a move?
Why is he so dense?
When is he going to get the hints?
Why did she missed the opportunity to swipe him?
Why does she clammed up and get so serious when she talks to him?

All these questions is driving me nuts!

And I feel such a need to mirror things out.
To bring out her affectionate side when he's around.
Or to say things to bring romance to the surface!
But what if it all falls flat?
What if he actually knows?

The outcomes I fear is 50/50 to the outcomes I would love to see!
The lack of romance is killing me!

A-Z Quaint casket

I wish it was possible here where I live.
To have my own quaint little casket.
I'd would love to have carvings of little flowers and leaves all around.
And one budding flower on the half open lid where my head would finally rest.

The other half should have a storage area where my Message bible, my Swarovski cross pendant, journals and skull anklets can fit in to go with me.
All my nail polishes would not be able to fit in there as well, so maybe only the gold colored ones.
Or only my Liquid Sands.

Also, unlike the white caskets I keep seeing people tend to choose,
I'd love a dark cherry wood one with silvery gray interior linings.
Three silver handles on each side, I'll be able to have 6 pallbearers.

I know it sounds kind of morbid, but one can only dream about these things.
After all, who would spend such money on a casket that will only be burnt into ashes anyway?

A-Z Perspective

*An upgrade planned*

Business: Not in the picture.

Us: Notify customer. Once. Twice. Thrice. 2 months before actual upgrade.


Upgrade done. Customer can't cope with upgrade.

Business: What's going on? We can't get our stuff out! Fix it!

Us: Our standard notification went out. It's their responsibility to respond.
We are working on a solution now.

Business:  So you're blaming it on the customer? When this is costing us 250K in profits? Your process is not good enough.

Us: *shrugs* We've been notifying everyone by email for years. And we do mean everyone.


On proposed temporary workaround solution.

Business: Too much manual work. Fix it as soon as possible or our business is going to our competitors! Fix it or roll back your upgrade!

Us: So your people doing manual work are worth more than the 250K profits? We cannot roll back as it impacts other customers who have no issue with this upgrade.

Business: Because of you, we lost the business to our competitor! This communication process have got to improve!

Us: Who's actually to blame on that? Other customers responded to us and this one did not. ....




~PS: I am sadly confused between perspective and perception.

A-Z Obedience training

"Hand."
Oh boy! Your hand smells nice! I won't bite you but I sure can lick it! 
"No! Hand, Cesar. Hand."
Oh are you going to throw something? Are you? Are you? Here you go! Here's the ball! Throw it! Throw it! 
"No, Cesar. I didn't ask you to fetch. Hand."
Oh I know. You want me to sit before you'll throw it right? Ok! I'm sitting now! Throw it! Throw it! "No, we are not playing fetch. Give me your paw. This is Hand."
Oh you want me on three legs! Well, okay! My butt feels like it will poop in this position! But, okay! "Hand. That's right. This is Hand. Let's do it one more time. Hand."
Is this a new trick to make me poop? I can feel my muscles tensing!
"Now you do it Cesar. Hand."
Ah what a relief! I had to hold my breath! I almost pooped!
"Hand."
Are you sure? You should really be letting me out! Like, right now! But, if you say so!
"That's right, Cesar! Good boy! Wait, what's that smell? Nooooooo!!!! Bad boy! Bad boy!"

A-Z Neuter

There was a cat who was taken in to be a pet.
They put a collar on her, fed and bathed her regularly.
Yet she was allowed to wander out and about.
Where she would encounter male cats.

So the cat was always giving birth to kitties.
The motherly instinct not really kicked in.
Some kitties could not survive, others she ate the heads off.
I had not heard of any kitties that made it alive.

In some ways it is so irresponsible.
To love ones's cat yet let it continue this way.
I cannot comprehend life with this merciless cycle.
When it is only a one time effort to have her neutered.

A-Z Melody

I once believed you have left me.
That I no longer have the pleasure to hear your voice.
Yet sometimes the wind carries a whisper of your notes.
And I wonder if the one who walked away was me, not you.

After awhile the heartache no longer hurts.
And I am made anew, accepting what have been.
The piano holds written chords and notes.
No longer a playground for you and me.

A-Z Laughter

It started out when things fall apart on stage.
In those days it was just small and short giggles.
These days, the laughter comes on naturally when people sing at the wrong pitch or time,
or if people get into sticky situations they can't get out of.
The last I know, I've upgraded to deep belly aching ones.
Which wouldn't be such a bad thing except for the people I'm laughing at.

Some say laughing in sticky situations are an involuntary defense mechanism.
That it helps to cope with how stressful the situation.
Somewhere in the root of all that, perhaps there is some truth.
This is the way my body is trying to reassure me everything will be alright.
I don't think anyone can escape from this phenomenon when it happens.
All they can do is laugh.

A-Z Kids

You love them when they are wee babies.

Smothering with hugs and kisses.

How hopeless and innocent they were.

Then they grow up a little.

And while talking is now a joy.

Hearing the laughter is bliss.

Years go by and they grow even more.

Starting their own dislikes and likes.

Its amazing how you keep up.

There then comes a time.

When maybe they are right.

And you should listen instead.

For then your kids will also marry.

And have kids of their own.

And the cycle starts all over again.

A-Z Joy

"I've got joy that is down in my heart, deep deep down in my heart"

An expression of happiness.
Joy we sing,
Joy we say,
Joy is what we long for,
But joy is elusive with us.
Until the day we meet You.
Glimpses of it is all we see.

The dead

The dead slips in unnoticed..
Turns off the lights..
Walking stealthily in the dark..
The cloak of darkness is comforting..

The dead is unseen..
Runs the water noisily..
Embraces the darkness..
Like a mother's womb..

A-Z I am

I am a product.
Of influences.
Of conditioning.
Of circumstances.
Of education systems.
Of cultural upbringings.

Yet I am also.
One who has her own mind.
One who is uninhibited.
One who is loved.
One who forgets.
One of a kind.

A-Z Heart and soul

"Heart and soul, I fell in love with you..."

One of my favorite pieces on the piano, it puts a smile on my face every time I hear it.
And inwardly, it screams "Awww..." to my utterly hopeless romantic side.

I get embarrassed when I play this outside of the comfort of my home.
I would wonder if people think I'm implying something.

It is however also the one song that challenges my view of ever finding someone to fall in love with.
Someday I hope to be able to play this with him. *blush*
Or in my wilder dreams, he's playing this song to court me.
On a baby grand. In a hall with no one else.
Ahahahaha!

I blame the wishful thinking on it being a duet piece.
The repetitive chord progression would be so teachable!
And when a duet like this had such romantic lyrics to go with it, you just want to put your heart out and mean it!


*gets back to reality*

A-Z Generous

"Give an inch, and they'll take a mile."

That was how Mr. Scrooge felt.
All day long in the season of Christmas.
He hated the cold.
And was mean to everyone.

Until he was visited by the Christmas Ghosts.
Repenting for his actions.
A changed man he became.
Model of compassion and generosity.

A-Z Faithful

"Here, girl. Come on now. Let's go for a walk."

She sat down patiently as he put on her leash.
She could barely see now with her old age.
But she would know his scent anywhere.
Hide and seek was a game they used to play.
And she had won every time in those days.

He held on to her leash closely.
For he knew she could no longer hear him whistle.
Her coat that was once golden now a silvery white in the sunlight.
The sun was warm but he couldn't feel the warmth.
For it was with a heavy heart they headed to the vet.

He took slower steps to accomodate her.
Reminiscing the past even as she marked trees.
He remembers when she was just a pup.
And barked at stray cats she would chase after.
But always at a whistle, she would come running back.

The scent of autumn leaves enclosed her outside.
Her tail wagged eagerly as always.
Even as her breath labored with every step she took.
But wherever he went, she'd go.
For it was all she has ever known.

She could sense he was sad.
But she didn't need to have an explanation.
All she had to do was lick away the salty tears.
And lean right into him, comforting him.
Even til the very end where she fell into her deep slumber.

A-Z Easter

The suffering until the pivotal forsaken moment.
The resurrection power; overcoming it all. 

The daily bustle of life overwhelmed me this past week leading up to Easter.
Contemplative, meditative opportunities were nowhere in sight.
And then, Friday came and I finally had this moment.
A little late, but better than never.
And I reiterated something I always seem to let slip by.

It's not about my feelings, but believing in Him through every situation. 

Easter is about believing in His story, the sacrifice for the redemption of us all.
It's about remembering His love for us, His suffering and that He rose again.

And I loved that old song we sang, such a profound reminder.

Lest I forget Thy love for me,
Lead me to Calvary.

One year and a quarter later...

It's strange to walk in and see people waving you over.
It's déjà vu to sit back after a service is over and just look at the empty stage, empty seats.

It's awkward to be whacking people again.
That moment of realization that my resolve was broken,
'Shit. I just whacked him. Oh God, forgive me. What have I just done? Ahhhhh!!!!!!!"

And then without hesitation, bossing people to get me a cup because I had to stay put at the toilet entrance...

There was no holding back when a second whacked victim was just asking for trouble, making a prank.

Yet. All that.
That's utterly so me.

Maybe I finally belong here.
I'm thankful for this journey, with these people I can now call my own.

A-Z Death

The doctors said he was a living miracle.
No one had ever survived such a horrific accident.
Or that many hours of surgery.
But he had opened his eyes some days later.
And seen a face in the mirror that made him wished he was very much dead instead.
For Dorian could not live on immortally, with a hideously, disfigured young face.

A-Z Comfort

It's in the food we eat.
It's in the places we go.
It's in the people we interact with.
It's in the hurt that we are familiar with.
It's in the activities we get involved with.

The walls thicken up.
With every hour that passes us by.
Yet memories of where you once ventured.
Flickers once in a while.
And you know what you've gotta do.

It's time to move on.
It's time to break down the walls.
It's time to be on fire.
To claim confidence and courage.
Into the unknown and uncertainties.

A-Z Bliss

When you are with loved ones.
When runnning your hands through soft, silky, warm fur.
A bite of molten lava chocolate dessert melting in your mouth.
A mouthful of spicy, tomyam soup you've been craving for.

Oh where does Bliss stand in ranking with Happiness, Joy, or just plain old Feel Good?
Or the more sexy, naughty version called Ecstasy.

A-Z Able

"You might not walk again."

The Doctor's words were like a blow, striking him down.
The lump pressing on his spine was the source of havoc in his body.
It had to go, and this was the risk he had to take.

When he woke up, for a moment he wasn't sure where he was.
Hearing nothing but the sounds of machines.
Once his eyes adjusted, he knew he was back in his room.
And there was a tingly feeling all over his body.

He raised his arms for a stretch.
He could see all ten fingers up in the air.
And then he tried to wriggle his toes.
To his relief, flashes of pins and needles came upon him.

Rating angst

It shouldn't matter where you are.
As long as you are on the right track.

Ratings can be faked.

I reflected on the days when I was a member.
Monday to Friday, following a different tune than the weekends.

Now here I am, finally being myself.
Trying hard not to make the same mistakes again.
The thing is, in a huge church, a member from a small church is just mediocre.
What's amplified is how you can really hide in the crowd and just be an attendee never to resurface again.

Except you encounter the annoying thing called compulsion (as Gabe phrase it).
That thing that makes you want to do stuff, because you are in a church.
Because you know what the focus should be.

I want to be Peanut right now, hiding in my dark corners.
Prickly to the world.