Class woes

Lesson 1 I learned to use the 3rd inner part of the 3rd finger.

Lesson 2 I was told to make a hole in between that would allow another stick to slip through, so I had to use the 2nd inner part instead to make way.

 

And then there was no further comment on that except to keep practicing and improving. 

 

Until today. Lesson 5 & 6 (because I missed one and had replacement).

We spent maybe 5 minutes on the position.

11 o'clock to the bass drum. Everything has to be reachable in place.

Then it was all about the fingers. A whole hour went by just talking about my fingers.

Apparently using the 2nd inner part leaves me with less room to bounce the stick.

So it was back to the first handling. Which gives me cramp from lack of use.

Then my fingers were too stiff, I was holding it too hard, and so on and so forth.

 

I was upset. It seemed like I wasn't getting things right no matter how I tried.

To sum it all up, I was warned it's the years of holding it wrongly that is messing me up right now.

And if I don't get it down correctly, I won't be able to go far.

But I don't even remember how I held it all these years.

No one ever mentioned what was the right way.

At the end he realized maybe the problem wasn't the thumb and where it landed on the middle finger, but the rest of my fingers blocking the way.

I acknowledged it could be because I am used to curling everything up for the piano.

We even checked out my flexibility on the piano. *eye rolls*

This is suppose to fix all the wrongs.

It's suppose to be fun.

But putting that leap in the heart when I hear someone play a beat I like, into my own playing is...hard.

It's harder to overcome that feeling of failure than I thought it would be.

 

A new season

Why does it feel like my whole heart was going to be displayed bare and raw on all the heads?

I thought I have gotten through it.

The disappointment of being lied that class was going to resume in February but instead was left hanging. 

The whole ordeal with skin peeled off 3 days before Christmas because it was decided during the last practice that we needed to turn our sticks around for a louder effect. 

The switch meant the balance point was higher and that was where finger meet corner of steel and loses some skin. 

No one even noticed it bled during practice, even when I got blood all over the drum head. 

And then to be told after the Christmas performance that I was dragging. 

Yes. I know. I was so afraid I was going to scrape the same location on my finger again. 

Just like how now I'm afraid I am going to be a disappointment from the start. 

For it sounded horrible. 

Even I could tell. 

I had no idea what to play for him to showcase what I know. 

So I did something lame just to have anything come out. 

Because. Yet. In spite. Despite. Dang it. 

I want this.

I still want this. 

Not because of some lack of people situation. 

Maybe not even a God calling thing. 

Just a selfishly human desire to hear oneself and be happy. 

I want to make happy memories of playing. 

Dear Odie2

It breaks my heart to see you all broken like this.

Even more so to hear the news that we have to change your chassis.

I have barely gotten any mileage with you and your first accident had to be such a major one. 

Thank you... 

For the convenience going through tolls with your build-in TnG tag.

For the few naps I have had in you. 

For the 6am drives to the wet market during the years in lockdown. 

For the random road trips by the river and through the paddy fields. 

For the long distances you cover to Robina beach. 

For the trips up to Batu Ferringhi's Starbucks, Hard Rock and Rasa Sayang.

I grew confident and bold in my driving because of you. 

The speed we got up to was only possible because it was you. 

And it was your strong body that is what saved me from what might have been a worse scenario.

I look forward to the new you.

The new chassis that we will go road trips outstation with. 

Every bit of you will still be an original part from your manufacturer's. 

And in the meantime, you are dearly missed. 

I know you are in good hands, Odie2. 

In God we trust. 

Words

"Help me to rest in who I know You to be no matter how I feel."

It has been a long weekend.

Between failure and guilt.

Between tears and laughter.

Between joy and disappointment. 

Between love and resentment. 

You are still God. 

The gift of grace I need right now. 

Between who we are and what You call us to be. 

This distance is an illusion.

It is closer than I can feel.

"I am Yours." 

Engraved where it belonged.

This torment isn't forever

 The purity, essence and integrity of what it means to be a developer,
brittling into pieces when the line is blurred,
with giving in and submitting to doing the work of an Ops.
Why have we been reduced to this disgrace?
Why this despicable state?

Tell me O Lord, what wisdom have been imparted to have come to this?
Give me the same wisdom and understanding that I may know it is certainly from You,
and not from the vices of men in their perpetuous selfish nature.
Help me O Lord, to see Your will in this.
Help me know You are near.

How are you?

3 weeks ago - There was the layoff; where ShawnB and Wally in US was affected.
2 weeks ago - I was introduced to my new boss.
Thursday - Renovation started on the house behind and there was a lot of drilling and hammering.
Friday - HR announced my workstation has become a public first come first serve seating...

I also did not get the promotion I mentioned in the blog some months ago but that is like the least of things I feel about right now.

I'm thankful that I still have a job.
I'm thankful my new boss is a flexible guy who doesn't micro manage.
I'm thankful the other zone is too crowded and I got to keep my workstation instead of moving over.

Yet I'm exhausted at being both on the new team and old team. 
I'm annoyed at the slightest ringing of the house phone on top of all that noise from the house behind.
I'm irritated at repeated long conversations of how once you have forgotten your bank password you need to go to the bank to get the teller to reset for you.

I just want to stay in bed and alternate between sleeping and crying like I been doing since Friday night.
But there's still work to be done and routine grocery shopping that I need to do.
So I got up.

~
I don't know where I would be if my Sunday classes weren't keeping me accountable with cramming the Bible before classes.
I don't know where I would be without Getty Music or Stephen Gately.
And I don't know where I am with God when I feel so many things right now and yet don't feel Him.
But He better be listening to my prayers for Vi and all the others.
For even when I am not feeling it, I still hold the irrational thought and faith that there's absolutely no reason for others to not be blessed, to not have 'Yes' to their prayers and needs.
And I hope the same God who I pray to for others can see all of this.
I hope it can only get better from here.

Even when I can't see the end of this yet.

It's me.

The day after the decision was made and I was told, the silence was deafening.
The sense of people letting you go was overwhelming and still is right now.

The flood of thoughts jumbled up as I panic in talking to others... And it was hard to keep afloat, one thing at a time.

"You did good.
You spoke up all the concerns you have.
You gave timely update on what's happening on your end.
And you provided excellent support.
You are going to do well in the other division."

I don't think this letting go is any easier for him either.
But I wished he would still say something.

~
I'm going to miss this line the most.
"Control your emotions."
Because no one else has ever say it as calmly and softly as he does.
Because in his tone, it is with the intent that it's for your own well being as well, rather than just for the sake of controlling the situation.
It doesn't feel like I am harshly forced to snap out of it when he says it.
It doesn't feel like I'm an embarrassment or a shame when he says it.

~~
I have had a good boss that fought for me and fought alongside me.
I always thought of him as a best friend, a comrade in hands.
We both came in the same year and we have worked so well together.
We even went up to stage for our service award at the same time.
His generosity in Christmas gifts to everyone each year or food souvenirs from whenever he traveled was like no other bosses I have seen around.

~~~
I'm going to miss seeing his jeans fall off his waist when he sits, giving the side view just that little indecent show of skin.
I'm going to miss watching him nod off after lunch.
The things he would relentlessly tease when in friend mode, loving that my reaction would be pouty or huge in that moment but never to the extent of causing a grudge.
The daily little small things that brings on my amused giggles, titters and silly smirks.

~~~~
I lovingly said to my closer circle of colleagues;
It feels like I'm getting married off to another family.

And it sad knowing they won't be around me anymore, but at the same time we will still see each other during lunch time.

The truth is it feels like I'm losing my family.
These people I have been with for the last 12 years though some much later... are my work family.
Despite all the squabbles and quirks, they are my work family.

~~~~~
I know I won't feel this way for long.
And I know it's okay.
Just taking one for the team now.

It is OK

'United we stand, divided we fall'

Sleepless nights this week.
One of us have to go to division.
And either way there is sadness all around.

Today may be the biggest life changing event ever.
And maybe it is time to let go of lofty dreams.
And there is no peace to find in that flow of thought.
With all the love I have for SI...

Yet.....
This is a self reminder to myself:

Whatever I feel, all the emotions coming out of me..... It is OK to feel.
I wouldn't be me without feelings so strong and intense.
And after all the tears and pain, at the very bottom of this endless looking well right now.....
It will be OK.

It will be OK because God is still watching over you.
Because this is a situation that tests your faith and not the emotions.
God in all His power and authority is in charge.

Things I can't say...

Did you ever considered that offering money just lowers my self confidence to do any losing of weight now?
Like, all my life, my existence is already nothing more than a 'need to lose weight' mission to you...
And now to add on to that....
If I lose any weight - 'Oh she's now doing it because of money.'
How low and despicable can a human get.

Oh... and that scar you keep shaking your head in disappointment of how it turns out at?
BELONGS TO A HUMAN with feelings.
Belongs to someone who will need to carry on with it for the rest of her life
Belongs to the same person you scraped of any hope or confidence that she can lose weight on her own without money as motivation.

Should I have just died at childbirth?
You know...
After hearing that my whole lifetime..
How worthless I am if I don't lose weight...
I'm thankful I haven't died.

Thank God for Jesus.
For love, unconditional.
For brothers who are more brothers to me than you can ever be.

Promotion

I don't deserve it.

To God be all the glory and praise! 

I'm so thankful because it was so unexpected. 

Because I was at home, having soup past lunch hour instead of being in the office. 

Because I'm having a tough time at work and feels like I need to run away. 

Because this self been struggling to feel again her passion and love for work ever since the surgery. 

~

No one tells you that being under sedation would leave you knowingly not yourself anymore once it's over. 

That you would forget things you would have never forgotten before it happened. 

That the way you feel things would be different after. 

That things you were so sure of, you would now be in so much doubt of. 

So thank you, dear boss! For believing in me. 

Thank you for this borrowed confidence that I am trying so hard to be again. 

Thank You, God! 

For making this happen at this precise moment I am struggling in.

Because no one else knows me and love me like You do. 

Weight Rant

Everyone notices and rejoices when you lose two digit weight.

But where's the joy when you have to spend money to change your wardrobe?

Where's the joy in not feeling like it because you are kind of mentally stuck with wanting to stay comfy in old sizes?

Where's the joy when every week you get anxious if you will keep to that weight?

Where's the joy in knowing this was a result of a lot of major stress and losing a loved one?

Where's the joy of knowing now you have the mental ability to stress your system into diarrheas and hence lose more weight?
(what if you use it and slowly lose control over this ability.)

I wish for once, everyone would just not rejoice.
Just stop.
Making comments as superficial as, 'Yay, keep going!' is awfully horrendous and belittling the effort it takes.
The struggle is so much more than just exercising or skipping meals or eating healthy.

Chihuahua

It's tough being here.
Tough seeing everyone having lunch while you can't because you have to find a solution while the customer is waiting.
Tough having nosebleeds so constantly.
Tough not having any choices for lunch.

But maybe I am looking for stars where it is cloudy.

There are genuinely kind people here who gets you double portion of carrot cake.
There's huge beds to jump on.
There's American food here for dinner.


The street lamps on the hilly areas are just as pretty.

And it has rained two days in a row, a rarity in a desert area where rain only falls 10 days a year.

The darkness that was Mt. Sinai

Once upon a time there was a girl that had to walk to another school to get her ride back home from school. And in that school there was a designated place where she would wait for her aunt to finish work so they would go home together. One day she left her bag and water bottle there and wandered off to the canteen. When she came back, her water bottle was gone.
There was this crazy old homeless man that the school hired to work odd jobs around the school.
He wasn't a threat to anyone so she wasn't all that afraid of him when he pointed out where her water bottle was. It was on a table in this temporary classroom enclosed by movable boards.
So she went in there to get her water bottle and he followed her in.
He asked for the time and as she raised her wrist up to take a look at her watch, he took her wrist and asked, "When are we getting married?". She gently shook his hand off and walked out of there.

~ That same terror of helplessness came on up there in Mt. Sinai.
Coming down with a guide that asked why she was single, how she must doesn't like guys, how she must diet and exercise.
The same guide who made her lie on her back to 'breathe' better on the rocks up there.
The same guide who made her lean onto him to get down a huge step.
The same guide who also suggested he piggyback her or drag her down by her holding both arms onto one of his arm. To which she screamed 'No!' multiple times.
The same guide who pestered how she was going to come down because she flat refused him at the top. To which she answered "Die here then".
She said a lot of messed up things up there. 
Things that have stayed buried in her for the longest time.

Crying from the shock of the whole incident for a few days was one thing, but then she found herself being terrified of the night sky a few nights later. 
Which didn't make any sense.
Not when she have walked in pitch blackness with no fear before.

She was so angry at herself.
She wanted to conquer this problem so badly that she stayed outside for a long while that first night she found herself fearing it.

A patient man found her and she told him everything.
He said all of what had happened could have happened in broad daylight.
And showed her the constellation to help her see the night sky there.
Learning about the Great Bear helped that night.
And for the nights to come there she would think about the Great Bear.

But now back home, the Great Bear isn't in the sky here.
And each night is greeted with a tinge of sadness and a hope that the fear of the night sky will not engulf her.

I don't quite know how I am suppose to recover from all of this.
Help me, Lord.

One bright light down..

Oh little spunk,
Who played the drums with the tiniest tips,
Who terrorised the older boys in class,
And then charm your way into hearts and phones....

Who kept on going after being diagnosed,
Who fought so long and hard...

R.I.P. Annalise.

We were rooting for her.
A whole lot of us.
And this is hard.
Not knowing why it has to end this way.

The deadliest thought

Everything would cease to be so hard if I could just die.

One less fussy person in the family.

One less misfit in the cell.

One less annoying person to others.

One less stupid person in the office.

One less demanding person in the team.



You are the only One wanting me to still be here...

An artidote thought

Being compassionate isn't a flaw.
Don't stop even though it hurts right now.
No one else has the same capacity as you do to love and be compassionate.
It is what makes you, you.

Don't compare how strong someone else is to be able to harden themselves and let go.
Because that's just not you.

Let it out now, all those bottled up tears.
And once that well dries up, you move on.

Doubt..

Birthed from an ambushed answer.
What greatness can you possibly be?

This is one of those works done out of desperation.

I don't do my best when ambushed or cornered.
It hurts to see this.
Both physically and emotionally.

Especially when you have pointed out everything wrong and expect an apology for getting you in this mess, but there is none.

Oh, the trials of dealing with idiotic people.

The drums

I'm not upset with what Hair said.
I'm grateful that he wants to protect me from bad criticism.

But this burn, this longing.
It makes me cry.

I don't understand why I am chosen to want this so badly.
And how I cannot be like anyone else that can dabble into many instruments and not doubt what they do.

So it continues to burn.
And I continue to cry as if my soul just needs a good crying over this.

Because in the meantime, Your love defends me.
In the meantime, I know Your plans are for me.
In the meantime, I will keep practicing.

The Break up

Dear map,

I'm sorry.
I don't want to give you up, but it seems like my time is up.
You are everything I thought was going to be easier.
But turns out you are so much more than that.
At the end of the day, I couldn't understand you in time for your launch.

Please know that this farewell is breaking my heart.
I don't know how to move on the next map.
Even now when I know I just have to, it is hard.

You are better off in another developer's hands.
One that has more experience in dealing with your type
May you shine brighter in those hands.

Goodbye.

Tear infused work.

Some days some 100 lines of writing extended rules are beautiful.
Even when they are done with tears flooding down.
And on 5 hours sleep with nightmares to boot.

But for how long do I go on with this constant tears?
This constant dread of not catching up with my colleagues?
This thorn sitting on my side that distract me from my work every day, in order that she get hers done?
Is this really love? Is this really the dream job?

I don't know any more.