Prayers

Some days there will be prayers prayed against your desires...
And you wonder if collectively they will win.
If you should even pray your prayer.

At the end of the day, it isn't about winning.
It's about bringing your desires before Him.
And knowing that the peace of God is with you, no matter what the outcome is.

Thoughts..

'I keep thinking she's going to walk in here..'
'I don't know how to face her..'

'This time last year Annalise was still around..'
'I don't know what to say to her..'

Words. Uttered softly. By grown men.
I don't know how to comfort them.
The lump in my throat forms at those words and it is difficult enough keeping the flood under control.

It's been a tough week for them.
For us.

~
A big elderly dog struggling in a cone made for many doggy love moments.
Like, it's so pitiful to watch yet the clumsiness is funny.
Like, you want to help him yet he needs to figure out on his own.

~
There's something about a man caring for an elderly dog that warms the heart.
It is such an odd reminder.
Uncle Adrian left behind a very old dog he really cared about too.

~
It feels like I'm in this cycle of remembering.
Again and again..whether it's missing them individually or altogether at once.

There's something about good people dying before their time that we will never fully comprehend on this earth.

~
I liked how Hair's gf comforted him.
He paraphrased it to us something like this; if God have to choose between a child of God and a non believer, who should go up first?

It's like a twisted reassurance that those who are sure of their salvation do not need this time on earth anymore or as much as those who are not saved.
Or like their death serves a higher purpose.

~
No more tears, no more pain.

In this moment of knowing..

His love have been real through all the storms.

I'm thankful He is there through all the struggles with cell attendance this year.
That His small nudges remain clear.

I'm thankful for the people surrounding me.
The ones that gives me keys.
The ones that read my rants.
The ones that pray alongside me.

~
I do use misdirection to ease myself out of situations.
I do use random situations as excuses.
But I don't lie and I don't make up excuses.
My imagination was never subject to that and will never be used that way.

I am clear about this with my whole being.
If you are going to lie and going to disbelieve me, then that's just too bad.

Doubt..

Birthed from an ambushed answer.
What greatness can you possibly be?

This is one of those works done out of desperation.

I don't do my best when ambushed or cornered.
It hurts to see this.
Both physically and emotionally.

Especially when you have pointed out everything wrong and expect an apology for getting you in this mess, but there is none.

Oh, the trials of dealing with idiotic people.

The heart...

It is hurting.
From disappointment in people.
From being ambushed so unexpectedly.

It is compassionate.
It sees someone looking helpless.
It sees how disorganised everything is.

So it puts aside the hurt and reach out to help as much as one can.

The irony is how it is all from one same source.
To have such capacity to love those who hurt it.
Those that caused so much tears over and over again.

It is a very special heart indeed.

With a flip of a coin...

...it was decided that I sign up for drums workshop in the worship camp coming up in August.

I have been debating the question for weeks.
It would be so comfortable to go for keys where everything won't seem so foreign.
But there was this weird feeling.
That tiny tingling in my heart, asking me to risk it all and challenge myself.

The fate from a coin was like a confirmation that this is the right thing to do.

Watching Hair the other day, seeing that bad ass expression coming on at every cool snare beat he made, I wanted to be him.
Carrying that confidence, that attitude.

I don't know how to get there from here.
Here being so many insecurities that have become my norm.
So I hope this camp will give me insight.

Even though it feels like church sent their best and worst (because Hair chose the same workshop), I'm not going to give a damn when that day comes.

Even though I know I am going to struggle with the terminologies and any on spot display, I also know this love for drums is real and beyond any thing I could possibly fathom.

The God with me in this situation will bear it all for me.
I will stand tall because this love is from Him.
My rock and my salvation.

The life I want to live...

In the 17th century world of Agricola, I had a good life.
I had fields I didn't have to sow, sheeps I didn't have to slaughter and a spacious house to boot.
I also made it through every harvest without having to beg; instead I enjoyed fishing and travelling where there's food given. Also the storehouse was plentiful and every time I took a sheep, there was also food to take.
And at the end of it all, I was also not in debt.

I may not have lived a life I should have lived; which was to have the most prosperous and productive farm. But I was happy.

~~~
I want to be that happy in the here.
To be able to withstand the pressure of cell, church and society's expectation of how I should live my life.
To solely trust and rely on His ever presence and providence.

I miss this day from 3 years ago.
When I went all out and just took that bungy plunge.
When I didn't care what people would think, or how worried they'd be. Or what if I'd died that day.

Random thoughts after two sets.

'Do not be shy.'
'Hit harder. No one will condemn you.'

Lay aside the confusion and the chaos.
Look only at Him and align to His will.

'It is different when you play with confidence.'

The layers of self doubt can only come apart when you want it enough.
When you are willing to make mistakes and let all see it.

The toms call out to you; use me.
And you still hold yourself back a little.

But it is in this imperfection that God continues to work in you.
More and more.
Someday you are going to conquer it all.

Bethel concert 2017

There are events in life that happens to take you to a new level of perspective.
This was one of it.

Tonight, all that mattered was being refreshed and refocused in His presence.
In order to grow in the capacity that He has doubled.
And to not dread what may come each day, but with His confidence able to say, 'Bring it on, my God is greater than this.'

Double Grace

Isn't God just awesome when someone not only skips church to sleep in, 

but gets leader's material that helps him in cell group later on in the week?

It is a humbling lesson to learn you have choice to focus on God's goodness or stay in a funk over how unfair it is when you see double grace given to another person.

This is like the 200th post labelled with 1000 things.
Looking back, I've been silly with most posts.
But there have been a lot of moments that I would otherwise have forgotten if not for having this label.
I'm thankful for today and how far I've come.
That is the grace and love He shows me, always.

A pause in this season

So tired.
So exhausting.
My head is spinning with all the things still not done for Christmas Eve.

Yet I'm really really bizarrely happy.

I'm so thankful for all the folks that haven't said, 'You are being too hard on yourself'.
I'm so thankful that revealing this bitch side of mine, along with the shittyness that comes from having to deal with that side of me, have not been disastrous.
I'm so thankful that I can be myself and it's okay to be me, without offending or hurting anyone in the process.
It's taken me a very long time to show this side of me again.

Someone asked why I bother? Why do I care?
Especially as they have never seen me caring for anything like this.

And I don't really know.
I'm too tired to actually feel something myself about this.
Besides just absorbing or empathizing how the others around me are feeling about this.

Maybe the truth isn't all that complicated.
He is the reason for the season.
And He provides more than enough to wade through all these busyness.
So long as He knows what's really in my heart, no one else has to know.



~
Even as this year been a year of letting more people in (which I am very thankful for),
I also miss Slavedriver and Big Bro something terribly.
I miss how Christmas means over the top decorations at Slavedriver's home.
I miss how easy it is to just be in the company of Big Bro and his family.
Yet things have changed and I can't just go back to how things once was.

Some changes been certainly surprising.
Who would have thought that I'd enjoy making jellies and Christmas shopping for prizes?
Or crying elephant tears over a painted wet fake door yet getting back at it the next day.
Or it becoming a norm to drive all the way from the South on a weekly basis just for a drum date in town?
Or me being the crazy maniac who stays up all night to play board games when no one else has the stamina to?

Fulfilling dreams

Dear self,

Today is the day you realise your dream is going to be complete with the building of this first train.
Not a train from scratch but still quite an extensive bit of coding done there.

Maps and trains.
You have journeyed far, by His grace and favor upon you.

And it's also with this reminder, that you realise you need to surrender this new dream to Him too.
Practice hard but don't hold this dream so closely that you forget whose really in charge.
Trust His timing for you.
He is faithful.

Wide Open

It's

anatomically incorrect 

to be intimate.
Yet it's too late to response.
Your disappointments shows up in the indifference.


I've

learned from the past

'replacement boyfriend'
'pet'
I would not be repeating myself.
Even though His mercies are new every morning.

It still amazes me how He takes what is broken and work things into shape.

Thank you, Abba.

Thankfulness and heart sinkers

Today I am thankful what should have gone live last Friday without me, went live yesterday.

I am thankful for the Admin that stayed a little later to help me promote the map I had forgotten I've updated to for my go live.

I am thankful this trial run only had four files and I could resend them all.

But yet I feel like I've failed.
That a developer wannabe should never forget their map changes.
That his kids waited longer to be picked up because of my own silly forgetfulness.

~
I knew today would happened.
That I'd be ask to play.

I wish I could tell you, it isn't you but me.
That I have all these diva requests that I make Nana fulfill in order to have me play.

I am not ready today.
Not impromptu like that.
But maybe someday, I will boldly request you to do the same as Nana.
Or not any of that nonsense at all.

~
I hate that on top of a tough end to my work day, it had to be today that we analyzed cell.
That our opinions was gathered to most likely appease the upper authority.
That starting late is something only acknowledged for 'improvement', not for the self that is the reason we usually start late.
That as predicted, the loud toned "WHY?" came out.
That we couldn't just ponder on "Stinginess being the opposite of Greed." and the next Fruit of the Spirit.


Yet in all these things, I can only hope and depend on Him.
That everyday is a new day, every battle is His to bear.
That despite all I feel, His love never fails.

Wordy post

I didn't expect that I would be sad upon hearing good live music tonight.
That my heart would be so sorrowful.
And to realise the feeling wasn't associated with the ones who have left.
Or that I missed playing.
But for the beauty, cohesiveness and skills displayed.

The thing that had somehow surprised me most is that, even in bad worship you can sense the presence.
If you are willing to let Him flow in you, and not be focused on nitpicking at the musicians or singers up there.

And it is weird really, to see excellence in the world out there yet sense his presence in bad worship.
To own the sensitivity to both seems like a curse at times like these.
When I am struggling with where I am right now.

Big Bro told me the presence during worship have moved on to HRC.
And that you no longer see good worship in this northern region.
I know he wasn't trying to boast, but looking at it from a point of desiring excellence in the worship ministry.
But I wonder, to what ends do we strive for excellence?
When all our hard work on earth will one day cease to be.

They want me to play again.
That the seed planted so long ago would not be dead.
It's so hard to tell such loved ones you don't want to.
And there never seemed a proper time to tell them the whole truth I left behind.
Also another supporting thought unfortunately popped up for that topic today;
If one who is strong is turned into puddles once every quarter by big bad things in ministry, what will become of me who cries even just at the movies?

To be completely honest, a different seed has actually been sown.
And its a small tiny one, that perhaps people had forgotten.
But I can't see the point of sharing the knowledge that it has grown (just abit),
if it will just leads to further demands, further expectations.
And the whole cycle of disappointments that goes with that.
So I share the knowledge to people who are clueless.
Who I trust hopefully would not hurt me.

A-Z Comfort

It's in the food we eat.
It's in the places we go.
It's in the people we interact with.
It's in the hurt that we are familiar with.
It's in the activities we get involved with.

The walls thicken up.
With every hour that passes us by.
Yet memories of where you once ventured.
Flickers once in a while.
And you know what you've gotta do.

It's time to move on.
It's time to break down the walls.
It's time to be on fire.
To claim confidence and courage.
Into the unknown and uncertainties.

Rating angst

It shouldn't matter where you are.
As long as you are on the right track.

Ratings can be faked.

I reflected on the days when I was a member.
Monday to Friday, following a different tune than the weekends.

Now here I am, finally being myself.
Trying hard not to make the same mistakes again.
The thing is, in a huge church, a member from a small church is just mediocre.
What's amplified is how you can really hide in the crowd and just be an attendee never to resurface again.

Except you encounter the annoying thing called compulsion (as Gabe phrase it).
That thing that makes you want to do stuff, because you are in a church.
Because you know what the focus should be.

I want to be Peanut right now, hiding in my dark corners.
Prickly to the world.

For God is a good God.

It is still a struggle.
Of putting aside the fears of Syaitan in my mind.
Of believing that whatever it was, God had burnt it to ashes on the altar for me.

Especially when Nana goes away for a long time. Twice a year. >.<

I think half of the time I'm upset is because I want them to be together sooo badly.
Another major part of it is because of my baggage of mistrust in former male authoritative figures.
And it didn't help that membership day looked like members ready to be beheaded.
Somewhere in the midst of all that I made a lot of thoughts that turned into unrealistic fears.

One day, I got tired of the fears.
And I told Him I didn't want to be afraid anymore.
That it was just wrong and unfair.
It was then that He showed me the altar.
And how if I just surrendered it there, it is burnt into ashes.
Done. Gone. Nothing but a pile of black ashes.
And now whenever I get afraid, I see the altar in my head and remember what He has done for me.

On another note, I was delighted with the seating sandwich today.
It's something that I've envisioned but never seen actualized until today.
And of all days when I am in one of my moods.
It was like, He looked down and went "Here you go, you romantic fool."
A sudden glimpse of sun light piercing through my dark clouds.

Thank You for reminding me what You have done and can do for me.

Looking back at 2014

There's been milestones of achievements;
like getting a promotion.
like spending 3 weeks in NZ on my own.
like bungee jumping and climbing the ice glacier.
like spending my 30th birthday with the one that shares it with me.
like building maps.
like getting the 3R award at work.

There's been silly moments;
like jumping head first.
like playing games and just being so clueless in them.
like buying a pregnant woman sweets for Christmas.
like discovering I've bought two copies of the same book.

There's been things that took time, and are still work in progress;
like talking to my dad after nearly 6-months of not.
like grieving for an Uncle.
like forgetting Cub.
like making new friends.
like counting the days of my mood swings.

There's been sad, bittersweet and joyful events;
like Ah Mah's death.
like Chor Kong's wedding.
like Ben's wedding.
like membership day.
like the day BG flooded.

There's been things that I had time for;
like doing A-Z challenge.
like making jellies.
like watching movies.
like making cards.
like playing board games.
like cooking bacon.
like doing community service.
like reading tons of chicken soup.
like playing because I want to, not because I had to.

All in all, I'm just so thankful.

It's been a good year of discovering me.

Seeing many moments of indecisiveness, rooted in insecurity, getting the best of me.
Yet at times setting attainable dreams and just seeing them come true.

Missing church and events so often that it seems outrageous.
Yet having so many moments of blessedness.

Staying in the past more often than not, going "A lot of things happened last year" in my head.
Yet believing that next year, I wouldn't be able to use that same old excuse anymore.
And maybe, just maybe...there is hope for me of letting go.

This is who I am.

I learnt today that my fire for Him haven't gone down.
It is small, like a candle about to burn out.
But He keeps it alight with moments of awesomeness oozing wax down to keep the candle going.
And there is hope if He can still do that in me.

Today in church, I learnt that hope is faith in the future.
So I shall not get ahead of myself for next year.
But to just know that He is for me. And not against me.

Balance of good and evil

The good:
Yesterday I received an email from higher authority complementing me as an example of the direction our team is headed after all the organizational changes.
Looking forward to seeing more of my work.
A rare compliment, says a senior.

Like a fairy godmother and her wand,
a warmth just overflowed,
knowing it's from God.
For there can be no other.

I was just doing what was asked of me.
At times even having fun in the midst of the project. Because this is what I do. What I live to do.

So it's a gentle reminder that I am headed where I am suppose to.
That God delights in my passion for it.


The bad:
An accident after I prayed?
Not the right visa after I prayed?
Once bitten, twice shy.

To say it out loud would be replied with a 'Nonsense!'.
For prayers do not work that way.
His authority have to be bigger.

Except maybe in me.
The one who have been repressing words.


The ugly:
I knew.
How I wish I did not.
But I did.
And the future shall change with the new one coming.