Class woes

Lesson 1 I learned to use the 3rd inner part of the 3rd finger.

Lesson 2 I was told to make a hole in between that would allow another stick to slip through, so I had to use the 2nd inner part instead to make way.

 

And then there was no further comment on that except to keep practicing and improving. 

 

Until today. Lesson 5 & 6 (because I missed one and had replacement).

We spent maybe 5 minutes on the position.

11 o'clock to the bass drum. Everything has to be reachable in place.

Then it was all about the fingers. A whole hour went by just talking about my fingers.

Apparently using the 2nd inner part leaves me with less room to bounce the stick.

So it was back to the first handling. Which gives me cramp from lack of use.

Then my fingers were too stiff, I was holding it too hard, and so on and so forth.

 

I was upset. It seemed like I wasn't getting things right no matter how I tried.

To sum it all up, I was warned it's the years of holding it wrongly that is messing me up right now.

And if I don't get it down correctly, I won't be able to go far.

But I don't even remember how I held it all these years.

No one ever mentioned what was the right way.

At the end he realized maybe the problem wasn't the thumb and where it landed on the middle finger, but the rest of my fingers blocking the way.

I acknowledged it could be because I am used to curling everything up for the piano.

We even checked out my flexibility on the piano. *eye rolls*

This is suppose to fix all the wrongs.

It's suppose to be fun.

But putting that leap in the heart when I hear someone play a beat I like, into my own playing is...hard.

It's harder to overcome that feeling of failure than I thought it would be.

 

A new season

Why does it feel like my whole heart was going to be displayed bare and raw on all the heads?

I thought I have gotten through it.

The disappointment of being lied that class was going to resume in February but instead was left hanging. 

The whole ordeal with skin peeled off 3 days before Christmas because it was decided during the last practice that we needed to turn our sticks around for a louder effect. 

The switch meant the balance point was higher and that was where finger meet corner of steel and loses some skin. 

No one even noticed it bled during practice, even when I got blood all over the drum head. 

And then to be told after the Christmas performance that I was dragging. 

Yes. I know. I was so afraid I was going to scrape the same location on my finger again. 

Just like how now I'm afraid I am going to be a disappointment from the start. 

For it sounded horrible. 

Even I could tell. 

I had no idea what to play for him to showcase what I know. 

So I did something lame just to have anything come out. 

Because. Yet. In spite. Despite. Dang it. 

I want this.

I still want this. 

Not because of some lack of people situation. 

Maybe not even a God calling thing. 

Just a selfishly human desire to hear oneself and be happy. 

I want to make happy memories of playing. 

The Christmas gift

There was no way on this earth side it could have been known... 

~That Cushion is a boy and turns 6 this year.

~That I was dreading bringing out Machikoro (because he might throw or even tear the cards) and I was looking for something cardless like this.

~That I been wanting to play something that's simple with all the little ones now they have come of age. 

So I am just awestruck that this checks all the boxes.