On playing with fireworks...

There's so much peace now, knowing there is no one hovering around, going 'She is volunteering because of me'.

And the truth of the matter is, I didn't know I was bothered by it, until the void of it happened this year. 

The heart just wants to play. 

My purpose and intention has always been that simple. 

But that narration was twisted.

A sick, twisted sense of joke? 

The need to be recognized as someone important enough to 'make' me volunteer?

The remark left a bitter feeling inside where it matters. 

Where all things were in their places when it comes to serving God.

I thought I had let it go, but turns out I had just buried it instead.

Now, without;

It feels like an oppression was lifted. 

It feels like a fresh breath of air.

It feels like nothing is there now to corrupt what God said is good. 

It feels like I should celebrate.

Because in all the things that has happened, in the midst of it all, I was set free.

Thank you, God. 

My Father who sees all things and knows all things. 

I didn't know it could be so free.

It's taking some time to breathe in this air. 

To sit and bask in this freedom. 

Turning over to the other side

There was a time when I couldn't imagine still being here today. 

Where the darkness whispers 'one slit is all you need', Your goodness have won instead. Over and over again. Every single time.

Thank you Jesus.

Without You, I would not be here today.

The Christmas gift

There was no way on this earth side it could have been known... 

~That Cushion is a boy and turns 6 this year.

~That I was dreading bringing out Machikoro (because he might throw or even tear the cards) and I was looking for something cardless like this.

~That I been wanting to play something that's simple with all the little ones now they have come of age. 

So I am just awestruck that this checks all the boxes. 

1st Major Damage to Odie2

'God is holding you' 

No words can describe the feeling of knowing that to its fullness in a situation like that.

I got away with a bump on the head, some bruises and a scratch.

It is significant to know all the people that are there for you in a moment like this. 

Even more so a God that protected you. 

Lost and found

I am always misplacing or losing small things. 

This time it is the back piece to my stub earring. 

And for as long as I have been a Christian, I have somehow always found back the little things that mattered to me.

It takes a while. A pause that I have to take. Sit still and be attentive to that gentle nudge inside.

Last night it told me to fluff my blanket, which I did. And I heard the sound of something small bouncing off my bed and a few more times on the floor. I just knew it was the piece.

But I couldn't tell or see where it went even though I looked all around my bed.

So I waited. And trusted.

I was vaccuuming the edges and corners in my room. 

I somehow knew I had to be extra careful, just in case it turned up.

And it did. This tiny piece in a corner semi hidden in the shadows. 

God is faithful in the small things.

It's just an earring piece. So tiny that it could have gone down the toilet or the sink. And yet here it is. It turns up. 

Every. Single. Time. 

The collection of everything orange

It's the first time my dad and I are both spending time together, taking photos of this arrangement.

A rare moment I am grateful for. 

Words

"Help me to rest in who I know You to be no matter how I feel."

It has been a long weekend.

Between failure and guilt.

Between tears and laughter.

Between joy and disappointment. 

Between love and resentment. 

You are still God. 

The gift of grace I need right now. 

Between who we are and what You call us to be. 

This distance is an illusion.

It is closer than I can feel.

"I am Yours." 

Engraved where it belonged.

Old Klang Taste + Moving on

 

I ironically left out the traditional type of fishcake commonly used in Korea which is thin and rectangular shaped although that was the inspiration to looking up the recipe for it.

Discovering that what I had made has the same salty, sweet and consistency of the fishball sauce I remember from primary school days was a pleasant surprise.

Those days of recess time where the fishballs deep fried in wantan skins and that big pot of sweet brown sauce to dip them in was just so divine. 

I would eat that every day if the fishballs wasn't sold out. Back then it was only about 20 cents each! 

 

~

God have heard me. 

 

November 15th I will officially go back to my old team. 

 

The mind games that went on for a few weeks after I applied for the position was emotionally exhausting. I'm thankful I have managed to stay firm with my answers and reasons. 

It is now over and I have signed the offer letter. 

 

I find comfort in the redemption story that has unfold this last year.

Ex boss had promised that if it was possible, he would have me back. 

And that have come to pass, 1 year and 3 months later. 

I have not wanted anything as much as this for a while now.

Which made it harder to surrender to God.

It was tough trying to keep the faith, believing His will for me and my desire to go will be the same.

Especially when the thoughts that my boss would also be praying to the same God persisted to make me feel smaller and unloved.

 

But God loves not one above the other. That is a truth no matter what happens. 

It is still the truth to hold on to even if anyone deny me of things because of this choice that I have made. 

 

There will be consequences, I am sure.

But knowing that God has won this battle for me makes me bolder and ready to stand firm for what I want and what I believe in.

This is Beth

 

 

After two long years sitting in her box, Beth is now freed!

She was THE choice made to that feeling that I was outgrowing my colorful nail polishes.

I wanted something that reflected a bit more maturity, a little less drama.

I am so glad she still resonates with me today.

Nude color is really subtle, I can't tell if it wasn't for the shine on it.

 

But nail polishes definitely was a phase; those days of going after OPIs and Zoyas are now pretty much behind me. 

I have not been keeping up with the dip powder stuff and new technology that goes with it.

Can't even remember when was the last time I had painted my own nails.

I had two nails painted in the last month or so only because Sonia had color changing ones that we were playing with when we had a meetup at their place.

I enjoyed today but only because I was planning it as a side activity to reading up an e-book.

Like, yeah I should open this new polish since my nails can dry during that reading time. 

It took me some time to get used to bare nails and after I did it was just a norm to the me with other higher priorities than my nails.

Maybe someday this would apply to my hair too and I would find the bi-annual trip for 6 hours at the hair salon to be a waste of time.

Until then, for now I am still very much hooked with the decoloring.

 

 

 

Starting the CNY right.

Feeling really thankful about jeans that fit even without trying.
Was such a leap of faith just looking at the length of cloth between the crotch to the waist and hoping that's long enough.
Its been the main trouble; not horizontally but vertically.

Am thankful that the last minute request to work on my night hours yesterday was productive and a success. At least it was not a request that prolonged until today when I'm officially off and so busy.

Am also thankful that with all the julienned work done today, my fingers are all still intact.
Thankful that there's a first time to making JHC, fish maw soup and making meatballs. Even though they didn't turn out as well as I would like them to, it is definitely a good learning process.

Thankful that this year, this house has become main house and tomorrow will be another round of eating.
It has been something at the back of my mind; like when would this rightful thing happen. And now it is here.
So tired but also so satisfying to have fed people today.

Namespace

I am not alone in doing this.

So thankful and feeling comforted that the One who sees the tears sent the one person who could help me to give me some clues how to figure it out.

On death and reminiscing one year ago!

Instead of relecting how I admitted myself into the hospital one year ago yesterday, I went to the wake service of Aunty Margaret.

I always thought that you represented how old my own mother would be if she was still alive.
I remember Christmas dinner in your house with all the Christmas decorations J and J would amp the place up with each year.
I remember the stories J would tell us that ends with being spanked or punished through his teenage years.
Your presence was always that of both some stern ness yet warm and matronly.
Most of all you always smiled so brightly for Christ.
We are glad now you are pain free.

R.I.P Aunty.

~
This time last year I was in bed, done with surgery.
It was a vertical cut instead of horizontal as I was told.
Doctor said after that it was the most optimal cut in order to retrieve all the pieces and that was that.
Just two days ago, Keat caught a glimpse of it amidst playtime with Cushion and said it looked like I had a C-section.

I took another picture of it today.
It is amazing how the stitches and fusion of cells again can hold up all the rest of the weight of my stomach.
I have also forgotten about the mark from the drainage tube at the side as well.
Looking back now, would say that both the urinal tube and that one was equally bad when it was time to take out.

But the most fun I had was with the nurses taking turns to flush out that thing on my neck with 5 different points that they rarely get to see.
Also when they had to get an emergency nurse to pull it out.
How I had to lie slightly upside down and she had to pull it out in one long breath.
All while being watched by another nurse who was the only one with free time on hand to watch this procedure of awesomeness going on.
Was grateful to be a real specimen of study to the nurses amidst whole process.

Am also thankful that I had gone to that confinement home for two weeks instead of settling things on my own at home.
I know someone said it was like I went and stayed in a hotel but the truth was it was more than that.
Having laundry and cleaning done for me and being fed 4 times a day was definitely worth the money spent.
Seeing all those babies and being in a place where I didn't have to talk as mothers have so many things to share among themselves was good to my mental and emotional health.
It came as a surprise how I struggled so much to play a simple cooking game on the tablet in those weeks post surgery!
I also don't regret all the hours spent reading away the pile of books I brought there.

All in all, it was good.
God was, is and is to be good.

Being thankful...

For treat of Saturday dinner and dessert.
That hits the right spots in the tummy and the heart.
And treat of Sunday lunch as well.
That fellowship that reminds me about You.

For Christmas gifts.

For the image of puzzle pieces that fits and blend into one during Sunday service.
The heart and the head that will be one.
And the other two pieces representing what I do not know yet.
Yet all the pieces fitting around the royal blue jewel.
The little voice that told me 'You will fit'.

Cushion's fingers....

.... can finally interlock with mine!! 😍
I'm not sorry he had to watch me squeal so much over such a small amazement.

On a separate note, I dislocated a doctor's attachable arm today and couldn't fix it back.
When did building blocks as tiny as Lego became so difficult?
Belly laughter ensued from the shock and exhaustion of doing that.
Which was good.
It's definitely been awhile since I laughed that hard.
Fingers are definitely not dexterous enough for tiny parts in tight spaces; really salute parents that go to all that trouble.
But honestly that level of difficulty is not for short attention span if a toddler were to do it.
So there has to be some form of syiok sendiri attached to buying them.
Because I sure found pride in getting the OT light done, the IV drip done, the medical instrument trolley done and that frustrating tube connected to the medical assistant's arm ALL DONE!

Feels.

Today I helped play for a wedding.
I spent hours before that wondering if I should or should not.

And I'm glad I did.
I still have that joy about seeing a couple get married.
The joy of seeing the veil up and watching that first kiss as husband and wife take place.

In spite of how many things that I no longer feel strongly about, this one thing made my heart go 'Ahhhhhh so happy for them! ' in a big small voice.

I may have just been someone coming in to help in an emergency lack of pianist.
It took me 7 hours to decide this fell under 'the church needs you' insensitive category.
But they made me remember this feeling again, and that itself is so priceless.

This year have been a year of many different feelings.
Rather than a glow that burns the whole heart, this one had slowly built up from a small corner of it.
Recognising the unfamiliar feelings and matching them to what I recall how it should feel have been a tough struggle.
Rather, I have found that embracing and relearning how I feel about things is the right thing to do.
There is no deadline.
And maybe I don't need to always know how I feel about things.
Maybe those things can fall under the insensitive category; stop worrying and do it in a 'die to self' effort.

How are you?

3 weeks ago - There was the layoff; where ShawnB and Wally in US was affected.
2 weeks ago - I was introduced to my new boss.
Thursday - Renovation started on the house behind and there was a lot of drilling and hammering.
Friday - HR announced my workstation has become a public first come first serve seating...

I also did not get the promotion I mentioned in the blog some months ago but that is like the least of things I feel about right now.

I'm thankful that I still have a job.
I'm thankful my new boss is a flexible guy who doesn't micro manage.
I'm thankful the other zone is too crowded and I got to keep my workstation instead of moving over.

Yet I'm exhausted at being both on the new team and old team. 
I'm annoyed at the slightest ringing of the house phone on top of all that noise from the house behind.
I'm irritated at repeated long conversations of how once you have forgotten your bank password you need to go to the bank to get the teller to reset for you.

I just want to stay in bed and alternate between sleeping and crying like I been doing since Friday night.
But there's still work to be done and routine grocery shopping that I need to do.
So I got up.

~
I don't know where I would be if my Sunday classes weren't keeping me accountable with cramming the Bible before classes.
I don't know where I would be without Getty Music or Stephen Gately.
And I don't know where I am with God when I feel so many things right now and yet don't feel Him.
But He better be listening to my prayers for Vi and all the others.
For even when I am not feeling it, I still hold the irrational thought and faith that there's absolutely no reason for others to not be blessed, to not have 'Yes' to their prayers and needs.
And I hope the same God who I pray to for others can see all of this.
I hope it can only get better from here.

Even when I can't see the end of this yet.

Ahhh! The Munchkins are here!

It came in a black van.
I was wondering why the vegetables were a day early and delivered by a van.
And then the delivery guy took out this huge box that looked nothing like vegetables.
But then he mentions my name, so I made my way out....and saw at the side, "MUNCHKIN DUNGEON"!!!!!

Promotion

I don't deserve it.

To God be all the glory and praise! 

I'm so thankful because it was so unexpected. 

Because I was at home, having soup past lunch hour instead of being in the office. 

Because I'm having a tough time at work and feels like I need to run away. 

Because this self been struggling to feel again her passion and love for work ever since the surgery. 

~

No one tells you that being under sedation would leave you knowingly not yourself anymore once it's over. 

That you would forget things you would have never forgotten before it happened. 

That the way you feel things would be different after. 

That things you were so sure of, you would now be in so much doubt of. 

So thank you, dear boss! For believing in me. 

Thank you for this borrowed confidence that I am trying so hard to be again. 

Thank You, God! 

For making this happen at this precise moment I am struggling in.

Because no one else knows me and love me like You do. 

Goodbye Odie!

At exactly 13 years old, you are officially not mine tonight.

You have been at the start of my adulting years.
Symbol of having responsibility and freedom.

I remember how frantic I was on getting your first repaint after I ram into the green fence at my first job. I thought I was on reverse when I was actually in D.
And subsequently I mellowed little by little on the small bumps and scratches that came along.

Many, many fries have spilt into your narrow spaces.

Many lovely naps taken in you while waiting for church or events throughout the years.

First road trips to Langkawi, Sungai Petani and Ipoh was made possible with you.

Going to the car wash that first time was thrilling, because it was just something my dad doesn't do for his car.

The little kids that have sat in you, are all grown up now.
And the teens who drove you after they passed, now all have their own cars.

You were even the saving grace one day in getting Slavedriver in time to the airport after his initial ride got broken into.

The most dangerous state I got you into was distractingly eating a fruit and not braking in time. There you went into the spare tyre of a taller vehicle with you.

And then there was that guy who rammed into you while we queued in that junction near work, and I didn't get much money to fix your bumper from him.

But other than that, you have not been in any accidents. And I am very thankful for that.

You have been so good to me and my 20s. Thank you.

Doing Word

*facepalm at self*
*laugh at self*

Acknowledging that moment when I realise all my notes just wasn't going to be understood by the group I am with has to be the most humbling position to be in today.