Indescribable Joy

This is one of the beautiful days.

Some work was cancelled after worrying all weekend over it.
So I was early to church.
Parked where I could hear drumming too close to be in the halls.
And there was this door that appeared open from nowhere you would think there's a room.
A room where I found Hair and it is a freaking sound padded music room.
Seeing the pair of 7A, I didn't care Hair was in the room, my butt was glued to the stool behind the 5 piece kit and I just had my way with the 5 piece kit.

Only God alone knew how I've longed to just be on a 5 piece kit again.
How heartsick it can get.
And here He was, providing this chance.
The chance to be one with the pounding of rhythms.

It was a struggle to lock the room up when it was time to go.

It didn't feel like I had enough of it, but it's enough for now.

Maps are like Rubix cubes...

"An hour."

6 hours later, I am still struggling.
I need help. It's been a long day.

Yet it is still my dream.
These dev days...

Ready...

A constant tension makes beautiful music.

This quote has been on my mind for a couple of days now.
And I think I understand it, or at least I hope I do.

I don't quite know what to feel.
Today at work I signed the paper.
The paper that gives me a slight increment (which funny enough matches the amount of money I spent on the Koi water brush pens) and the 'dream job' title.
The one that doubles my responsibilities and keep me on with my boss as he is.

And then tomorrow is going to be the meetup.
Fingers are a little sore from last minute practices.
On the surface level, I'm a little excited, a little amused at how Hair stumbled about with arranging a meetup and a little anxious to just get it over with.

My heart is ready.

I don't know when exactly I reached this point of no longer asking what if it hurts again.
That the only way to move on is to literally be involved with a new bunch of people.

I think some people would be proud of me, if I just pick up the phone and give them a call.
But I haven't been keeping in touch and I don't quite know what to say except that I'm ready again.
It has taken me awhile to get here but at least I'm late rather than never.

I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future.
And maybe He has been removing that fear, healing that hurt.
Because whatever it is that is not making me dwell too emotionally into all this, I am so grateful for right now.
Somehow that's enough for me right now.

What it was like in 2015...and what is to come.

When I look back at 2015, I'm amazed that I've come this far.

I've learnt it's about living in the tension of things.
And living with those things called flaws in the people around me and that make me who I am.

Like one who is defensive of anything said, and another who is always late.

Like my anxiety. Or obsessiveness over details.

The tension;
Of letting go of some friendships, letting strings unravel a little, not clinging on because it is not my place to.
Of pulling some strings in closer even though there are so many fears attached to them.
Or just holding on occasionally, despite the tears and internal waves of emotions.

There's been so many moments where I want to throw a fit or cry because I am just so needy and selfish, but choosing instead to cry behind close doors and to talk it out with God have lead to Him providing for the moments. Him restoring friendships that I thought no one cares.

There's been moments of analyzing why I feel this way at such a time and just waiting for the waves of emotions to go out again. And to look back and realize later on, it was just a hormonal time.

There's been moments of realizing how situations are out of my control, and just choosing to believe He is in control in them.

There's been moments where fears seemed so real, where actually choosing to not let those fears escalate have lead to greater things.

There's been moments of being myself and not having any regrets for being myself.

And for the whole past year, I had dallied to sign up into ministry again. Only to come out of such a year, knowing I have a patient and loving God.

So thankful.

Which leads me to the things I'm looking forward to in the new year.
Having finally signed up to play again once a month.
Having a new air fryer sitting in the kitchen.
Having bossed some people around into sitting together for the first service of the year.

Starting the new year with Mr. Pips.

Mr. Pips is soooo awesomeeee!!!



It's so beautiful how he turns things out.