Thankfulness and heart sinkers

Today I am thankful what should have gone live last Friday without me, went live yesterday.

I am thankful for the Admin that stayed a little later to help me promote the map I had forgotten I've updated to for my go live.

I am thankful this trial run only had four files and I could resend them all.

But yet I feel like I've failed.
That a developer wannabe should never forget their map changes.
That his kids waited longer to be picked up because of my own silly forgetfulness.

~
I knew today would happened.
That I'd be ask to play.

I wish I could tell you, it isn't you but me.
That I have all these diva requests that I make Nana fulfill in order to have me play.

I am not ready today.
Not impromptu like that.
But maybe someday, I will boldly request you to do the same as Nana.
Or not any of that nonsense at all.

~
I hate that on top of a tough end to my work day, it had to be today that we analyzed cell.
That our opinions was gathered to most likely appease the upper authority.
That starting late is something only acknowledged for 'improvement', not for the self that is the reason we usually start late.
That as predicted, the loud toned "WHY?" came out.
That we couldn't just ponder on "Stinginess being the opposite of Greed." and the next Fruit of the Spirit.


Yet in all these things, I can only hope and depend on Him.
That everyday is a new day, every battle is His to bear.
That despite all I feel, His love never fails.

Shortchange

"My expectations are very high."

I wonder if you are hinting to me when you say that about other people.
Yet if your expectations are so high,
how is it that your people are doing such sloppy work as hard coding the wrong Downtime key to different maps?
And in all this mess, you expect me to clean up. In one week time.

It frustrates me.
It breaks my heart knowing that I may never amount to your 'standards' of what a developer is.

Yet, I've learnt something greater that you cannot take away from me.

My God is greater than your remarks and pride.

And He will overcome everything that you set as obstacles for me.

God is in control.

Rarh!

Touch

It's fun to poke the devil's back.

When I'm confident enough to.
Hahahaha!

On another note...
I haven't thought of it for some time.
To play or not to.
And I wonder if Nana realizes that I have all those conditions because those fellas are awesome in my eyes.
Or that HE LIED and I really suck at it.

I lost the gift.

I'm no longer afraid to say it.
I was careless one day; lost my focus (wanted to walk off) and just lost it in the midst of a worship set.
No more ice cream room for me.
No more standing in the river, all the way deep until mid-thigh, feeling the strong current of notes with the tips of my fingers.

Like a bittersweet memory, the image never left.
Of standing in the river and my fingers in there.
The sweetness of the water, the intensity of the current.
It's hard to really explain what it feels like.
And seeing all those other musicians soaked in different heights but with one common goal.
It figures that I never saw Cub in there with us.

It still feels like I could be soaking in there.
Except I don't hear or sense the sweetness anymore.
Like it's been completely removed from me.
I guess the closest thing to reality would be like someone having an amputated leg yet still feeling like their leg is there.

At first I missed it so badly.
Like a flailing fish on land, I was so lost.
Many, many tears came down behind closed doors.
The thing with God's stuff is; it's up to Him to give and take.
There was no way I could work to earn it back.
And I was also so ashamed that I had lost my focus up there.
I couldn't discuss it with anyone what had happened.
Not like there was anyone that mattered left by then.

But now, what's done done.
It's all in the past.
Time really does heal.
And it's all God's doing.

Looking back, maybe I had cling to the gift more than I did of the Giver.
As painful and as humbling as it was, His forgiveness reigned long before I could forgive myself.
And I think I'm ready to literally (finally!) move on.
Or so He nudges.
Ever so patiently and gently.
When I try to imagine all the things that could go wrong from this one step, He doesn't let me.
One step at a time. 
That's what He reassures me.

And then, there had to be a song that goes with it.

I have a hope so sure
An anchor for my soul
My peace in the worst of times
I trust in God alone

Let every voice declare it now

My God reigns, His love will never fail me
My God reigns, He's ruling over all
In all my life, in every situation I know
My God is greater, my God is over all

Mark the beautiful days..

And today was one such as that.
First there were the dogs.
How envious I was when others got them.
Then it was my turn and I drawed one up.
Stunned and total weeeeeee!!! moment.

His name was Moog and he was an American bulldog.
He could move 3 zones in a single action move and attack the zombies with any roll higher than 3, on one dice.
What a good dog!

Then there was winning Ticket to Ride by just slightly.
For someone who has never won so far that really got me by surprise.

The truth is I don't really care what we play as long as there's a cute factor.
Or dogs. Or cats. Or platypuses.
Ticket to Ride isn't exactly cute, but it's easy enough that you don't worry a whole lot.
Well.....at least you don't worry when Syaitan is not around to sabotage others.

I hope there's no more water stain left on the manual when the Zombies get picked up tomorrow.
If there's no stain, there's no proof it ever happened.
Hee.

Forget the bad days.

Visiting Sonia

Today she was awake for abit.

There's something about knowing God, being reminded He knows us since we were formed when I am around Sonia.

Having talked to her while she was in the womb, and now she's out here.
How enlarged her world is now.
Yet God is with her. Always.

And I wonder if they will pull a Theo and Beau, or take pictures months after months in the same sleeping pose kind of thing.

I'm still thankful of Carrot even though I spent so much less time with him now.
He says it's okay in a little sad resigned way.
It's different than when I'm anxious and he reassures me it's okay during the days we have cell there.