Abu...

Oh how you have changed!
I find myself near to tears at the state you are now in.

Sunday lazy fest

Baking with A# and playing with Clara.
It's been a long while since I last spent hours on Clara.

For God is a good God.

It is still a struggle.
Of putting aside the fears of Syaitan in my mind.
Of believing that whatever it was, God had burnt it to ashes on the altar for me.

Especially when Nana goes away for a long time. Twice a year. >.<

I think half of the time I'm upset is because I want them to be together sooo badly.
Another major part of it is because of my baggage of mistrust in former male authoritative figures.
And it didn't help that membership day looked like members ready to be beheaded.
Somewhere in the midst of all that I made a lot of thoughts that turned into unrealistic fears.

One day, I got tired of the fears.
And I told Him I didn't want to be afraid anymore.
That it was just wrong and unfair.
It was then that He showed me the altar.
And how if I just surrendered it there, it is burnt into ashes.
Done. Gone. Nothing but a pile of black ashes.
And now whenever I get afraid, I see the altar in my head and remember what He has done for me.

On another note, I was delighted with the seating sandwich today.
It's something that I've envisioned but never seen actualized until today.
And of all days when I am in one of my moods.
It was like, He looked down and went "Here you go, you romantic fool."
A sudden glimpse of sun light piercing through my dark clouds.

Thank You for reminding me what You have done and can do for me.

Looking back at 2014

There's been milestones of achievements;
like getting a promotion.
like spending 3 weeks in NZ on my own.
like bungee jumping and climbing the ice glacier.
like spending my 30th birthday with the one that shares it with me.
like building maps.
like getting the 3R award at work.

There's been silly moments;
like jumping head first.
like playing games and just being so clueless in them.
like buying a pregnant woman sweets for Christmas.
like discovering I've bought two copies of the same book.

There's been things that took time, and are still work in progress;
like talking to my dad after nearly 6-months of not.
like grieving for an Uncle.
like forgetting Cub.
like making new friends.
like counting the days of my mood swings.

There's been sad, bittersweet and joyful events;
like Ah Mah's death.
like Chor Kong's wedding.
like Ben's wedding.
like membership day.
like the day BG flooded.

There's been things that I had time for;
like doing A-Z challenge.
like making jellies.
like watching movies.
like making cards.
like playing board games.
like cooking bacon.
like doing community service.
like reading tons of chicken soup.
like playing because I want to, not because I had to.

All in all, I'm just so thankful.

It's been a good year of discovering me.

Seeing many moments of indecisiveness, rooted in insecurity, getting the best of me.
Yet at times setting attainable dreams and just seeing them come true.

Missing church and events so often that it seems outrageous.
Yet having so many moments of blessedness.

Staying in the past more often than not, going "A lot of things happened last year" in my head.
Yet believing that next year, I wouldn't be able to use that same old excuse anymore.
And maybe, just maybe...there is hope for me of letting go.

This is who I am.

I learnt today that my fire for Him haven't gone down.
It is small, like a candle about to burn out.
But He keeps it alight with moments of awesomeness oozing wax down to keep the candle going.
And there is hope if He can still do that in me.

Today in church, I learnt that hope is faith in the future.
So I shall not get ahead of myself for next year.
But to just know that He is for me. And not against me.

Starry starry night...

Pressie!

Now where do I keep it?