A-Z Obedience training

"Hand."
Oh boy! Your hand smells nice! I won't bite you but I sure can lick it! 
"No! Hand, Cesar. Hand."
Oh are you going to throw something? Are you? Are you? Here you go! Here's the ball! Throw it! Throw it! 
"No, Cesar. I didn't ask you to fetch. Hand."
Oh I know. You want me to sit before you'll throw it right? Ok! I'm sitting now! Throw it! Throw it! "No, we are not playing fetch. Give me your paw. This is Hand."
Oh you want me on three legs! Well, okay! My butt feels like it will poop in this position! But, okay! "Hand. That's right. This is Hand. Let's do it one more time. Hand."
Is this a new trick to make me poop? I can feel my muscles tensing!
"Now you do it Cesar. Hand."
Ah what a relief! I had to hold my breath! I almost pooped!
"Hand."
Are you sure? You should really be letting me out! Like, right now! But, if you say so!
"That's right, Cesar! Good boy! Wait, what's that smell? Nooooooo!!!! Bad boy! Bad boy!"