Feels.

Today I helped play for a wedding.
I spent hours before that wondering if I should or should not.

And I'm glad I did.
I still have that joy about seeing a couple get married.
The joy of seeing the veil up and watching that first kiss as husband and wife take place.

In spite of how many things that I no longer feel strongly about, this one thing made my heart go 'Ahhhhhh so happy for them! ' in a big small voice.

I may have just been someone coming in to help in an emergency lack of pianist.
It took me 7 hours to decide this fell under 'the church needs you' insensitive category.
But they made me remember this feeling again, and that itself is so priceless.

This year have been a year of many different feelings.
Rather than a glow that burns the whole heart, this one had slowly built up from a small corner of it.
Recognising the unfamiliar feelings and matching them to what I recall how it should feel have been a tough struggle.
Rather, I have found that embracing and relearning how I feel about things is the right thing to do.
There is no deadline.
And maybe I don't need to always know how I feel about things.
Maybe those things can fall under the insensitive category; stop worrying and do it in a 'die to self' effort.

The key.

How did I end up not assertive enough to determine we play a C or Am?

Do I even care anymore?

There was more things on my mind then necessary...

How are you?

3 weeks ago - There was the layoff; where ShawnB and Wally in US was affected.
2 weeks ago - I was introduced to my new boss.
Thursday - Renovation started on the house behind and there was a lot of drilling and hammering.
Friday - HR announced my workstation has become a public first come first serve seating...

I also did not get the promotion I mentioned in the blog some months ago but that is like the least of things I feel about right now.

I'm thankful that I still have a job.
I'm thankful my new boss is a flexible guy who doesn't micro manage.
I'm thankful the other zone is too crowded and I got to keep my workstation instead of moving over.

Yet I'm exhausted at being both on the new team and old team. 
I'm annoyed at the slightest ringing of the house phone on top of all that noise from the house behind.
I'm irritated at repeated long conversations of how once you have forgotten your bank password you need to go to the bank to get the teller to reset for you.

I just want to stay in bed and alternate between sleeping and crying like I been doing since Friday night.
But there's still work to be done and routine grocery shopping that I need to do.
So I got up.

~
I don't know where I would be if my Sunday classes weren't keeping me accountable with cramming the Bible before classes.
I don't know where I would be without Getty Music or Stephen Gately.
And I don't know where I am with God when I feel so many things right now and yet don't feel Him.
But He better be listening to my prayers for Vi and all the others.
For even when I am not feeling it, I still hold the irrational thought and faith that there's absolutely no reason for others to not be blessed, to not have 'Yes' to their prayers and needs.
And I hope the same God who I pray to for others can see all of this.
I hope it can only get better from here.

Even when I can't see the end of this yet.

It's me.

The day after the decision was made and I was told, the silence was deafening.
The sense of people letting you go was overwhelming and still is right now.

The flood of thoughts jumbled up as I panic in talking to others... And it was hard to keep afloat, one thing at a time.

"You did good.
You spoke up all the concerns you have.
You gave timely update on what's happening on your end.
And you provided excellent support.
You are going to do well in the other division."

I don't think this letting go is any easier for him either.
But I wished he would still say something.

~
I'm going to miss this line the most.
"Control your emotions."
Because no one else has ever say it as calmly and softly as he does.
Because in his tone, it is with the intent that it's for your own well being as well, rather than just for the sake of controlling the situation.
It doesn't feel like I am harshly forced to snap out of it when he says it.
It doesn't feel like I'm an embarrassment or a shame when he says it.

~~
I have had a good boss that fought for me and fought alongside me.
I always thought of him as a best friend, a comrade in hands.
We both came in the same year and we have worked so well together.
We even went up to stage for our service award at the same time.
His generosity in Christmas gifts to everyone each year or food souvenirs from whenever he traveled was like no other bosses I have seen around.

~~~
I'm going to miss seeing his jeans fall off his waist when he sits, giving the side view just that little indecent show of skin.
I'm going to miss watching him nod off after lunch.
The things he would relentlessly tease when in friend mode, loving that my reaction would be pouty or huge in that moment but never to the extent of causing a grudge.
The daily little small things that brings on my amused giggles, titters and silly smirks.

~~~~
I lovingly said to my closer circle of colleagues;
It feels like I'm getting married off to another family.

And it sad knowing they won't be around me anymore, but at the same time we will still see each other during lunch time.

The truth is it feels like I'm losing my family.
These people I have been with for the last 12 years though some much later... are my work family.
Despite all the squabbles and quirks, they are my work family.

~~~~~
I know I won't feel this way for long.
And I know it's okay.
Just taking one for the team now.

It is OK

'United we stand, divided we fall'

Sleepless nights this week.
One of us have to go to division.
And either way there is sadness all around.

Today may be the biggest life changing event ever.
And maybe it is time to let go of lofty dreams.
And there is no peace to find in that flow of thought.
With all the love I have for SI...

Yet.....
This is a self reminder to myself:

Whatever I feel, all the emotions coming out of me..... It is OK to feel.
I wouldn't be me without feelings so strong and intense.
And after all the tears and pain, at the very bottom of this endless looking well right now.....
It will be OK.

It will be OK because God is still watching over you.
Because this is a situation that tests your faith and not the emotions.
God in all His power and authority is in charge.