The deadliest thought

Everything would cease to be so hard if I could just die.

One less fussy person in the family.

One less misfit in the cell.

One less annoying person to others.

One less stupid person in the office.

One less demanding person in the team.



You are the only One wanting me to still be here...

This long Christmas weekend

Thankfuls
For Kokoro and Kodama arriving in time for Christmas.
For the laughter that hearing 'I want to be here with you' brings.
For the warmth and kindness of people that let me hoard pillows and sleep on their sofas.
For the people that gave me the chance to go to a Christmas concert and gifted me with Story Cubes.
For the person who says 'No' loudly to teaching my new game, but does it anyway.
For that moment where jumper cables and wet wipes saved me.
For a great Christmas lunch and girly presents.
For more tea and free food.
For the choice of round LED lights.

Thoughts
Fruit cake tastes rather different as an adult.
There are epic songs I can do without.
Thoughtfulness matters.
Forgiveness is key to moving on, whether it's peppermint or fairy lights.
Love is a choice and sometimes you need a mediator for it.
I miss each and every one of them today; looking back longingly while moving on.

A moment of thankfulness

Was getting abit dry, practicing the same drum routine for about a month now.
I couldn't see how it would apply to songs or if speeding up so little every week, was actually helping me.

And that old question of whether I was going to make it someday came up again.

So it felt like God's looking down at me when we started doing that same routine, but with songs today.
It felt like He answered my tiny wishful prayer.
And even though to me it seem like such a small thing, it is precious to Him.
I matter to the One that matters.

~
Keat is set on moving away soon.
I am sad that he will not be beside me when I lose another parent, like those days when we lost one parent.
All the things I would have to do alone soon.

But He reminds me that He is with me.
That I will be prepared when that day comes.
And even as the lonely path choose to engulf me, whether it's with this leaving or that other leaving, I will somehow be strong enough.
It's odd how I long to be alone, yet do not want to be alone in the tasks ahead of me.

~
There was this moment in class, where everyone took their turns playing to the song. And on my first turn, I was panicking between counting the normal beats and getting that routine right. So things got really messy.
On my second turn, I turned off that part of my head that was counting and thinking how to get the routine right. And I manage to nail it!!

I'm starting to understand that trusting on my muscle memory and the feel of songs, without that loud control freak in my head...... is doable.

In this moment of knowing..

His love have been real through all the storms.

I'm thankful He is there through all the struggles with cell attendance this year.
That His small nudges remain clear.

I'm thankful for the people surrounding me.
The ones that gives me keys.
The ones that read my rants.
The ones that pray alongside me.

~
I do use misdirection to ease myself out of situations.
I do use random situations as excuses.
But I don't lie and I don't make up excuses.
My imagination was never subject to that and will never be used that way.

I am clear about this with my whole being.
If you are going to lie and going to disbelieve me, then that's just too bad.

Keys

The one thing that screams trust to me, over and over again.

I'm so grateful.

In that same train of thought, only a handful of people have driven Odie.
And none of them knows how significant that is.